A year ago today…

A year ago today I made one of the hardest decisions of my adult life.

A year ago today I decided to put my Mama into a hospice. I knew she would not leave the hospice and that she wouldn’t be returning home. It had been a LONG and hard week. With multiple trips to A&E, a huge personality change and moments of psychosis. As well as attacks – verbally and physically, being accused of stealing money from her, being told I was a useless mother and daughter. I knew it wasn’t my Mama speaking to me but the cancer that had already consumed so much of her body it had reached the brain.

A year ago today I had to listen to my Mama beg me to let her go to Ireland and to die there. I had to watch as she sobbed as she packed a small suitcase with things she would never wear. I had to put an anti psychotic drug the GP had given me into her cup of tea to calm her down enough so we could get her into the cab.

A year ago today I had to listen to my Mama tell me she would never ever forgive me for this.

A year ago today I went home and sobbed when no one was around and then call our family and friends and let them know mum was in a hospice against her will because I just couldn’t cope anymore.

A year ago today was the beginning of a month of rushed family visits, many many trips to the hospice in Hackney, a month of not knowing what was meant to be put first.

A year on and I know it was the hardest but one of the best decisions I made. She got the medication she needed, when she needed it, she was eating again, was relaxed enough to sleep and had visitors whenever she wanted them.

A year on and I have learnt that I’m so much tougher than I ever thought I was. I have learnt that nothing can keep me down and sometimes the toughest decisions are the best and only ones you can make.

As much as I hated myself this time last year thinking I had done something awful, a year on and I now know I needed the time away from Mama in order to enjoy the last weeks of her life with her.

What I’m trying to say is…don’t beat yourself up over a decision for too long because sometimes that choice was exactly what you needed right then.

 

 

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